PULLING STRINGS FROM HEAVEN

I have something I would like to share with my team.   It begins with some very raw, personal information about me.  But it is NOT about ME at all. There is a relevance to each and every one of you, so I please ask you to read to the end.  Miss Lori has asked us to post  5 things that inspire and motivate us to continue on.  I will do a separate post for 5 additional things – but right now I want to talk about the 10 things that inspire and motivate me the MOST.  Each of you!

As you know my son Ben was killed in a car accident on March 27^th.   He died instantly.  I have no doubt in my heart that the first thing he said, once he figured out he was in heaven was “my poor mom”.

A couple weeks after he died, it was the night before my birthday. Up to that point, the girls and I had not spent one second apart.  It took the 3 of us together to equal any one that each of us used to be.  All that was left of us – is what had left us.   On this particular night, Mollie & Mckenna were spending the evening together.  They seemed as if they could use some time to themselves so I did not invite myself to tag along.  Leaving work for the day, I had no plan.  No idea where to go.  I couldn’t bear to go home.  I had dinner with a friend and drove around most of the night.  Finally, at 10pm, exhaustion started to set in and I remembered our poor puppies needed to go out.  So I dreadfully made my way home.   As soon as I walked in I was deafened by the silence.  At that moment, my phone rang.  It was Mckenna.  “mom, we want you with us.  Can you please come stay with us?”  I ran out the front door as fast as I could.   The three of us stayed up the rest of the night, in Mollie’s tiny apartment, crying, and praying to our lost brother and son  “Ben, please help me and your sisters.  We know we must go on but we don’t know how.  Please teach us how to live without you.”

The next day  Mckenna and I went home.  It was mid morning when we got there.  And this is what we found:   A rainbow INSIDE our house! 

I  stood there looking at it in complete disbelief.  Who is the world gets a rainbow INSIDE  their house? A calm coming over me I haven’t felt since he died. 

There is a song written by the band Perry (yes that’s right, same as our last name).  The song is called “If I die young”  The lyrics say:

If I die young, Lord make me a rainbow

I’ll shine down on my mother

She’ll know I am safe with you

When she stands under my colors.

Ben was a child of God.  He accepted him into his heart and his life when he was 13. He knew this song and played it often.  I knew, as I stood under that rainbow that my boy had found a way to send me a message from heaven.

Four days later, on April 14^th, the girls and I went into International to get a membership.  Brad took us on a tour and he asked what made us want to get a membership.  We told him the truth.  We had lost Ben 3 weeks prior.  None of the 3 of us could eat or sleep.  And me personally, I was drowning in an emotion that I had never had to deal with before:  ANGER!  We told him we needed a place that we could come, 24 hours a day, when we couldn’t sleep, eat, or go on.  A place where we could go PUNCH SOMETHING!   Brad has been our champion!  Everyone there is always great but he personally is an angel without wings.  Sometimes I would come in the front door crying so hard I could barely walk.  He just let me pass.  His rule, we talked about later, so long as I leave in better condition than I came, then we are cool.”  If NOT, we need to talk. 

By July, I was barely surviving.  My otherwise, immaculate, organized home and life had become an unmanageable mess.  I could barely dress myself properly.  My grandson, Ben’s son, wasn’t feeling well.  His mom had to work so she asked me to take him to the clinic.  While there I struck up a conversation with a gentleman who was in the lobby.  This man worked where Ben died.  He actually cleaned his flesh, blood and car parts from the scene left behind by the police.  He said he just couldn’t bare to see the way it was left. Concerned for what us mommies would see when we got there – he felt convicted to clean it up.  What are the odds?  I would run into this person in a doctor’s office?  We talked a great deal and later exchanged personal information.  Several days later he showed up at my house and spent 5 hours working on my yard.  Couple days later, started on the house.  General repairs.  Cleaning out the shed.  All the things Ben normally would have done.  He even landscaped my front yard.  Essentially, he got my home and yard back in order.  And by doing so, it allowed me to take those worries off my chest, and allowed me to rest.  Within a week I was feeling physically and mentally stronger. And the greatest gift of all, he recommended to me a church here in Lafayette, which has now become my new church family and home.   My spiritual strength was coming back full force.

I have no cable at home.   For months, I saw posters inside the gym for the contest.  My first thought was no thought at all really.  No chance I would put myself in the spotlight and be on camera FOR ANYTHING.  One week before the first deadline something came over me!  A resolve really.  I just knew I was going to be a contestant. Something inside telling ME, not asking what I thought. Something way bigger than me was leading the way! 

When you get that dreaded call that NO ONE ever wants to receive; Hearing the words on the other end of the line saying your son is dead; the WORLD goes DARK!  COMPLETE DARKNESS!  You no longer see people as people.  Instead, they are now shades of light and dark. Most are dark, as you are so far deep into your own despair the people around you are reflecting from the darkness emitting from your soul.

It is my interpretation that is a built in survival mechanism.  A gift God gives to you so that you can visibly see the way out.  Here are the people who are going to help you find your way back. You really are not capable of forming proper thoughts and rational decisions during the first stages of grief. So he sends you what I refer to as “angels without wings”, to light the way.  Each and every one of you on my team – is a bright shining ray of light!  Jacque. Lori. Brittaney.  More of the same!

Don’t get me wrong.  There are so many wonderful people that I have already, and will continue to meet throughout this journey.  What I am saying is that it is by NO ACCIDENT that we are together.  Although, I have complete faith in Miss Lori’s ability to select the people perfectly suited for this completion – I believe in my heart that God had his hand in the selection process as well!  Knowing that we will now be forever bonded for LIFE – and not just the 10 weeks.  I love each and every one of you with my whole heart!  But the greatest thing is – I know everyone one of us, even this early in – can say the same about everyone else! 

We are all in this together.  The individual steps we all took to get us to this very place…right here together.  So no matter what grief, guilt, sadness, struggle, strife, or despair we had to walk through to get here – it really is worth it in the end!  Together – we CANT FAIL – WONT FALL!  Because all of us surrounding each other provides a soft place to land!