AND I LIVED TO TELL THE TALE

Well- this is my third time starting this blog today.  Couple times before I was taken over by emotion.  I'm so glad Miss Lori took the time to explain to us the emotions would get the best of us from time to time.  Otherwise I would think I was a great big crybaby right now.  lol.  Ironic for me, as I am the one yellling at the tv when woman start crying on "What Not to Wear"  saying "this is just so hard for me"  sniff sniff!  My not so sensitive response is usually "c'mon suck it up --you poor girl crying with such an opportunity?  Feel blessed they chose you!"   Who knew?

I must be weaker than my awesome counterparts because I admit whole-heartedly a time came during the first workout when I said to myself I CANNOT DO THIS! THIS IS TOO HARD! With every intention of finishing out the day and NOT showing up the next. Every day of the last 9 months of my life has been a fight for my life. A fight to get up and face another day. Those destructive thoughts came pouring out -- "I cannot add this struggle on top of my already burdensome struggles. I'm barely getting by as it is without adding another seemingly impossible challenge to overcome!  6 days a week.

But then Jacque, with her tiny little voice said to us all "please come back tomorrow."

It reminded me that there are A LOT of people looking to me to do this thing. Top of the list, and most important of all, my 2 beautiful daughters. They NEED to see, and to believe that I am going to BE HERE! Alive. Present. Here in this life to guide them and to enjoy them and to help them overcome.  In their eyes, Me, giving up on this contest is essentially me giving up! It will take away the very little security we have at this time in our lives that there are brighter days ahead for the  3 of us.

I lost my only son at 19.  I was a person with unwaivering faith in God, in life, in the possibilities of this world.  Before March 27, 2011. Since that horribly fateful day my life has been defined by grief, anger and despair.  Why God? Why did I have to lose my only son? Why do terrible parents get to continue to be terrible parents and two mom's who loved their children more then their own lives will never see their cherished gifts from God again, in this lifetime. My energies have been depleted demanding answers to questions for which there are NO ANSWERS.  Each day I slipped further and further away. Until a day came when I KNEW the VERY next step I took would be a step towards living, OR a step down, 6 feet under to be exact.  A step towards dying. I had to make a conscious decision to get up and face each day.  To breathe in an breathe out. One foot in front of the other.

When you look at it that way, the hardest part is behind me. I took that step forward. And from that moment, no matter how tiny the step was, it was undeniably a step in the right direction. No matter how "hard" an individual workout may be, the fact I am even there is a sign that I am on my way up.

I have made a conscious decision to finish this contest to the very end.  Way I see it, the only thing I have to do to succeed is 1) show up each day,  2) give 100%.  3) Take moments each day to step back and see the blessings in a supportive team encouraging me on, an awesome trainer who is a beautiful example of "pushing through"  and 4) savor each milestone that I accomplish along the way as proof that I will not only survive - I will thrive! 

Easy enough!

Julie Perry